I did not know
by Ellstra
Summary: Spock tries to deal with his feelings for Jim. Should he reveal them; should he submit to his human instinct or follow Vulcan s restraint?


_**Hi there. :) I got this idea while watching the 2009 film. Remember the scene with Kobayashi Maru? Yeah that´s it. I had no idea where this would lead so I apologize if it doesn´t mean sense or anything. I just wanted to write something FLUFFY! (Have you seen Despicable me? :D)**_

_**Anyway, I hope my weird author´s note didn´t make you abandon this story, I assure you it´s better. :)**_

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Jim has always been special. I know that for sure by now and I grow fonder and fonder of him as I get to know him better. He will always be able to surprise me, I am aware of it and even though my logic cannot fully explain it, I tend to feel emotion that can only be described as joy when something like that happens. Yes, sometimes he does something I am simply not able to understand. It is very frustrating but with every step I take in understanding humans means one step closer into Jim´s heart. However, sometimes I feel I already claim it.

It is highly illogical that Jim sometimes turns around in his chair just to look at me, smile at me and then turns back without a word of explanation. Illogical; and yet it always makes me feel something. When his eyes meet mine it is almost as if some living thing woke up in my chest and started to move. I cannot explain it as there is no actual reason for me to feel like that, but the truth is that Jim makes me act strangely and illogicaly. And moreover – what is most important – he makes me unconcerned in this matter. I do not think I should justify my actions or my feelings. With Jim, everything is easier to make the emotions work; and very difficult to not forget my Vulcan heritage.

Everything Jim does, says or thinks is – consciously or not – very teasing and disturbing. I cannot say if his actions are meant to make me feel uncomfortable or he just does not realise the effect he has on me. It seems highly improbable that he would not, considering his high intelligence. I know for sure I will not be able to fully understand him; however, sometimes I see approval in his eyes, admiration and more emotions I am not able to differentiate – or rather do not want to. Since I know it would cause confusion and require much meditating, I prefer to overlook the obvious fact – Jim for some reason chose to trust me more than anybody else.

I do feel honoured but I simply am not able to accept it just yet. When we are alone, he shows his compassion more openly than in public but he does not hide his obvious feelings for me anymore. It alarms me – it seems he is getting less and less patient. I do not wish to hurt him – and I see how much he tries to get emotional response from me. I see his happiness when I let some of my emotions slip through the mask of logic; I see his disappointment when I reject to play his game. I like Jim and I feel I could be able to love him – really love, without Vulcan restraint. But I want Jim to understand that I just require my time to admit I need him. I know I do, but I am not prepared to face this fact; not yet.

I wish I could forget all logic, everything what is Vulcan inside of me and simply follow my human side. I want to be with Jim – I am starting to be very possessive of him to be honest. I do not think Jim realises how much he means to me or what would I do for him. I am hiding it from him because I am not sure we are ready to face the truth.

When I am with Jim alone and the only one I have to hide my feelings from is him, I feel very weak. When there are more people, I can hide behind some regulation, behind the fact it would be inappropriate or something like that. With only Jim, there is nobody who would report us; and he is very well aware of it. He is – as doctor McCoy would say – driving me nuts with all his familiarities. I need to concentrate on myself very much to not respond to Jim´s lures; short touch, only a brush of fingertips against the back of my hand, seductive smile or what is worst of all – accidental revelation of parts of his body. Which are not accidental at all. I have to concentrate very much not to give anything away, because my body tends to act independently on my mind when it comes to seeing Jim´s naked back, stomach or even chest. He always pretends it is not a conscious thing but I cannot really believe he did not realise he had not put on a shirt before I walked into his quarters.

Recently, Jim discovered a very new way to treat me. He always increases temperature in his room when I am supposed to meet him and then wears almost no clothes, pointing out it is „for my comfort". I would appreciate it if I didn´t see the sparklet in his eyes as he caught me watching his body. I know I cannot resist him much longer and I suppose he is aware of it. Every day it is getting less and less possible to fight my needs and wishes. Soon I will give up to him.

And God – if such an creature exists – help me. I am almost lost, balancing on the edge of an abyss, slowly getting too tired to get on the right side. Soon I will fall and I can do nothing but hope Jim will catch me as I pass him by. I am sure he will try.

I have always been proud of both my personalities; despite everything, I always felt grateful for being complete. However now I wish I could close my eyes and stop being Vulcan for some while, forget logic and simply go to Jim and tell him how I feel. It is burning inside of me, it is suffocating me, excrutiating me and I cannot ease the pain. Maybe I am a coward. I do not want to take the risk of losing Jim. Yes, we might feel the same right now, but what if it changes as the times goes by? What if either of us finds somebody else or simply stops feeling the same about the latter. What if we simply are not able to be together anymore and we cannot even get what back what we have now? I have never valued anything as much as I value Jim´s friendship. It is the best relationship I have ever had and the only feelings that can ever compete those I feel towards Jim are those I kept for my mother. Jim is the most precious living person to me – and I even once believed I had lost him forever. I never wish to experience that again, even though I am aware it will probably happen as Vulcans live longer than humans.

I do not wish to think about that now. I hope it is far away from now. However, it made me realise something. Human´s life is short and Jim cannot wait for my decision forever. He will soon get tired and one day I might realise I made up my mind but it is too late as Jim had moved on from me, giving up the effort. I do not want that. The idea is almost painful.

I know I have decided; every fibre of my being is anxious. I have to tell Jim, I have to claim him before somebody else does. Because Jim is a wonderful man and I do know he is desired. I do not want anybody to take him from me. Jim is _mine_. And now I am prepared to show it.

„Jim?" I feel impatient. Why is he not answering?

„Here. Is something wrong, Spock?" I hear worry in his voice and my heart melts. How was I even able resist him.

„Negative, Captain. I would like to talk to you if you do not have anything to do."

„Sure, I´ll be in your quarters in a second," I almost hear him smile as he talks. I calm my breathing down. And really, he is here almost within a second – it took him 3.7 seconds to get here.

I let the door open and he walks in, golden, shining and beautiful, as beautiful as always and yet somehow else, different, more radiant, more… present. His eyes shine and he smiles widely, as if he knew what I am going to say. Or does he?

I try to talk, but I cannot find a way how to begin. I stare at him, onto his face and I know no words are good enough to describe what is between us. There are no words that would be sufficient, maybe only some old words from ancient Vulcan lanaguage, but Jim would not understand them. It does not matter.

I simply walk closer to Jim, take his hands into mine and intertwin our fingers. He looks at me with hope and happiness. I almost find words but they are just balancing on the tip of my tongue, not daring to go further. Jim´s unbelieveably big eyes are watching me with hope and expectations; however he remains motionless. He wants me to do it. He wants to be sure I mean it.

To answer the question that must be going on in his head, I lean forward and kiss him in a human way. He returns it back, just small, gentle kisses of youth and innocence. His fingers slowly let go of mine and he embraces me, puts one hand on the peak of my head, the other between my blades and pulls me closer, deepeing the kiss. I hesitate for a while before wrapping my arms around his strong body. He pulls away to look at me.

„I always thought you would be silent." He grins and before I can ask him what he meant by saying that, his lips capture mine once again and I feel lost in his love. I do not know if the love and euphoria are mine or I just feel them through the physical contact with Jim. And I do not care.

„It took you so much time, you teaser." He whispers into my mouth, not bothering himself by pulling away.

„I wanted to wait until it was necessary to do it. I waited until it was logical to change my demeanor towards you as well as a feeling of doing the right thing. I wanted both my sides to accept it, Jim." I whisper back and he shivers.

„That´s so deep, Spock. Damn it, now I have to think of the reasons why I wanted you. Sure, you prove the saying ´hot as Vulcan´ is true but… I´m not sure that´s a good reason for dreaming of being in relationship with you." He pulls away and even though he tries to say it as a joke, I see shame on his face. I do not feel it is necessary to point out the saying is about Vulcan as a planet. I know I would blush if we discussed it further.

„Jim, I do not want you to have philosophical debates with yourself. I know you are sure you want me, want this, you would not be sure if you did not think of it. It is my Vulcan side that needed time to decide." I pull him closer for another kiss to show him I mean it seriously. He melts under my touch immediately.

„And your human side?" He inquires. I form my face into the closest thing to smirk I am capable of making.

„My human side has wanted to get to know you better since Kobayashi Maru." I answer truthfully.

„Really? Whoa, Spock, that´s a bit too much for me." He stares at me in bewilderment. „Do you say you´ve wanted to be my boyfriend since that stupid test and yet you sent me on deserted planet, almost killed me and kept your distance from me for more than three years? Spock! That´s the weirdest thing I´ve ever heard of."

„I did not say I have wanted to be your boyfriend. I have wanted to know you better because you caught my eye. I could not admit it, but I thought what you have done was what I expected from the test. To find somebody who will not accept defeat." He watches me as if I just said something really strange. I feel blood boiling under the skin of my cheeks. „Besides, the planet was not deserted. Without that, we would never meet Mr Scott. Or my older self." I hesitate to talk about Spock Prime. It is still very strange to see myself old.

„Crap. I swear your precision will kill me one day." He rolls his eyes.

„That is a highly illogical statement. Precision is not a concrete thing and therefore cannot kill anybody. Moreover-"

„Gottcha. And now shut up and kiss me, we´ve both waited long enough." He stops me. He is so beautiful I cannot but obey his command.

„Just because you are so irresistible," I say before I think about it. He grins at me and finally kisses me again; this time with passion and lust.

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_**Thank you for reading. Let me know what you think. **_

_**Live long and prosper.**_


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